Being a Slave in Public

Over my short little life I’ve seen many different lifestyles happening right in front of me and looking back a lot of those dynamics were based off of a BDSM relationship. When I was really little I would write it off to that person just being weird but as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized I am just as ‘weird’ as they are I’m just not comfortable enough with myself to show it as openly.

And I wish that I were.

Everyone has always told me that I am very dominant, opinionated, out-spoken (and yes they mean the same thing but apparently just using one doesn’t describe me adequately enough lol) and not shy at all. I listened to what they said and I left it at that. But I’m none of those when you get down to it.

I am dominant. But only because I have had to be to survive. I don’t like to give up control because I’ve always had others take advantage of me. You know the old saying ‘give an inch, take a mile’… well that is what people would always do to me. And I hated it. And when I say people I’m referring to just one. My dad’s ex-wife. From the day she got me (I was adopted) she tried to control me. And I didn’t like it.

See, I usually operate off of logic and when someone tells me to do something for no logical reason I don’t want to do it. Or if I get told for no logical reason I don’t want to listen. If one can present me with a reason that is logical I will usually back down and do as told… but it all operates around logic. If you want me to do something then have a reason. I don’t figure that is asking too much is it?

I am opinionated. But only for the same reason that I am dominant. Because of that woman. I don’t like being told to shut-up even when I should indeed shut-up. (My mouth gets me in more trouble than it is worth lol). When I have an opinion about a topic I like to get it off of my chest and to have others know what that opinion is. I suppose this could be because I never was allowed to do that growing up.

I’ve learned over the years that I’m rarely wrong when it comes to other people or issues (just my own, go figure). In addition to that I hate being lied to. I believe the adage do unto others as you would have them do unto you.. and I am one of those people who would prefer the truth even if it hurts. In turn I always tell the truth. Even when it will hurt the other. It isn’t that I wanted to hurt them but if I lie they will only find out later that I lied and then be twice as hurt because there are now two things to hurt over instead of just one.

I am out-spoken. When I believe something I believe it 100%... why else believe it? Why do something with only half your heart when if you can’t do it with your full heart you shouldn’t be doing it? So when I do believe in something I believe in it with a passion… and when you have a passion why hide it? Passions should be shared.

Add all of this together and I guess you could same I am the exact opposite of the ‘perfect slave’. And yet I don’t think I’m that bad of a slave at all.

Need… Desire…Strive.

I practice all of those not as often as I should but as often as my heart allows me to (stupid pride).

I need a man who wants to love and take care of me… and possess me.

I desire an unconditional love from someone who loves my perfections but mostly loves my imperfections because that is all I am.

I strive to please because I love making others happy.

It is the last one that I fight the most. See, the part of me that wants to be a slave comes from my heart but most of me is ruled by my mind… my logic. And while my logic in infallible… sometimes my heart fights until it wins because then all of me wins and not just part of me. And when my logic wins… all of me loses except that small part that can sit there and say ‘I won’ while the rest of me says ‘but you didn’t want to win’.

And the crappy part is I can write this… I can acknowledge it… but I can’t seem to overcome it. I can’t let go of my pride. And I need to. I want to. But for some reason I can’t. And until I find that reason I won’t be able to.

The end. ;)

It's Been A While...

It's been a while since I've posted to this blog... I just haven't had any time to sit and reflect on mine and Master's M/s relationship but I'd like to start doing that again. I've noticed I tend to behave better when I do ;)

My reasons for being gone:

• My grandfather passed away and I was in NM for around 3 weeks.
• I've spent the last week trying to get back into the groove of things.

Yup... just two but those two are good enough I feel. :)

Anyhow, I'm back and ready to write blogs and stories so feel free to start keeping up with me again :D ;)

Master/slave & Husband/wife

They are completely different lifestyles in this world for most but for me… they aren’t. They are the exact same. There is nothing my Master could want me to do that I wouldn’t do if he were just my husband.

I believe that sex is a marital duty and thus, regardless of whether I want it or not (though that has never been a problem ;)) I will spread my legs for him because that is what I feel I am supposed to do.

He requires a clean house and as his wife (not just his slave) I make sure to keep it clean and I clean it the way he wants. When I don’t I get questioned and am told to correct it in the future. I don’t find this kinky nor do I find it to apply simply because he is my Master. I would do it regardless.

I take care of our child at home while he works. I don’t go places without informing him first. I don’t plan things at times he can’t be there. I do all my out of the house-work while he is home so that he can accompany me which is how he likes it.

The only thing kinky we do is in the bedroom and that is only because we both enjoy rope, blindfolds and the such and even that, to us, isn’t kinky as it is something we do regularly. After all, it is only kinky the first time. The only reason we still refer to it as kinky is because to most everyone else that is exactly what it is. Actually, the only time we are truly kinky is when we just have vanilla sex. We do it so rarely that to us… that is when we are being kinky!

Everything that is applied in our relationship that we label as Master & slave can easily be defined as Husband & wife. I won’t say I think women aren’t as good as men but I do think that as a woman my place is underneath my husband. If I wanted to get a job, while I would want his support, I wouldn’t if he told me he wanted me at home so that I could take care of the things there.

I still get angry. I still expect certain things from him such as bringing my dishes in from his car when he takes them to work *grumbles, bitches, gripes* (lol) or to take the trash out on his way to the car in the mornings or evenings so that it doesn’t pile up. And often, he does things that I don’t expect at all such as cleaning the kitchen for me after we finish eating dinner just because he can and he doesn’t mind.

He loves doing things for me just as much as I love doing things for him. It doesn’t make me any less his slave or wife and it doesn’t mean he isn’t being a Master or husband to me.

I’ve read many times that the Master in the relationship controls the finances and the food because they feel that puts them in direct control. For me and my Master is it the exact opposite. He finds finances a hindrance. They certainly aren’t his strong point and so I do them for him. This does mean he has to ask me before he can buy things because I’m the only one who knows if the money is in the account but that is nothing more than me serving him and taking more off of his plate. It isn’t putting me in control of anything.

The same goes with the food. I’m a good cook. He isn’t. He loves helping me in the kitchen so long as I do the actual cooking. He prefers to gopher and I love the help.

The more I learn about this world the more I realize that I don’t truly fit in just a Master/slave dynamic because it is more than that to me. It is the correct label but to end at just that label would be off. So, I end this with, we are more than Master and slave… we are also Husband and wife. Where one doesn’t include something the other does and the two just work together to fill in every last little hole.

Wanting More

Wanting more is something I struggle with a lot. I wonder if it is wrong. Am I allowed to ask for more?

I have a high amount of pride. I suppose that comes from being a natural dominatrix. That is where all of my strengths and experiences lie. I have this idea in my head of what a Master is supposed to be and that immediately sets me up for failure. Just because I as a dominant will behave a certain way by no rule means that my Master should as well but none the less I expect it.

And I can admit right up front that I am much harsher, crueler and stricter than he is.

My pleasure derives from inflicting pain and having complete servitude from the one who desires to submit to me. I say do it, he does. I even hint at wanting it… he gets it. I’m a hard Mistress and in my head that is just how it is supposed to be.

Just like I want to control everything… I want everything to be controlled. What I mean by that is when I first entered into this M/s relationship I wanted my Master to control as much as I had in past relationships. I wanted him to take everything from me and leave me completely at his mercy… break me in a sense.

This still hasn’t happened and I struggle with that.

I am the kind of person who wants things done yesterday. I come up with an idea and I have to do it right then and there be it dye my hair, cut my hair, go shopping, buy this, fix that or start this project. I’m very spontaneous like that and when it comes to a big project I rarely finish simply because the urge to do such things leaves just as suddenly as it comes.

I want to ask my Master to take more from me. I want to beg him to break me… and remold me into something I could only ever dream of being. But I don’t because of my pride. The pride that won’t let me just submit even though I want to do every little thing for him. And when he doesn’t just do it I try to let it go because I figure if he wanted that it would already be happening… right?

That’s the question I don’t really have an answer too. I’m sure things will become easier and more clear to the both of us as the amount of time we’ve invested in our relationship grows longer in length. I suppose only time will tell. :)

Control

A discussion got brought up today that got me to thinking. Obviously the relationship I have with Master is based off of control. I don’t want to control anything. I’ve always been in control and after so long you just get tired of it.

The first question that was asked was how giving up control has made my life easier and less stressful. My answer to that question probably isn’t the obvious one… but it doesn’t. If anything it causes me more stress simply because I have always been in control. Giving that up is hard.

In fact, giving up control has been the hardest part for me in the (almost year) that my Master and I became Master and slave. We had always done kinky things and we had even dabbled in the Mistress and slave but he hated it and I couldn’t stand the thought of keeping someone locked into something that truly made them miserable… especially since that sort of dynamic made me miserable as well.

When I met Master he had no idea about BDSM. He had just left that side of sex alone and was content with just pounding away and keeping things straight vanilla. I wasn’t okay with that and made it clear upon the second day of actually talking. I informed him that I was the ‘kinkiest virgin’ he would ever meet and I intended to stay that way. Thus making it clear kink was a requirement in play and I wasn’t going to fuck him until I felt he was the one.

And he was willing to try.

That caused us a lot of problems at first. He felt it was wrong and was afraid to like what he liked and I would get upset anytime I thought he wasn’t enjoying himself also.

But, after a little over a year of getting things figured out and trying different tactics we found that what would make us happiest was him controlling me… not the other way around.

We discovered that during my pregnancy and that made things so difficult. I was hormonal and he was afraid of being too rough and hurting the baby. And honestly, when things wouldn’t go my way I would pull that card. It took several months before he realized (and I was able to admit) that that is what was going on. And when he did realize that he pushed a little harder and I caved in. And things worked for us until I was no longer pregnant and got it in my head that things would go back to the way they were before because I could beat him.

I no longer wanted to give him control I wanted him to take it. Everything was changing… we were moving and had just had a baby… and I was 600 miles away from everything I’d ever known and I challenged him and it wasn’t until recently that he got me to back down.

It isn’t easy getting on the floor when he tells me to… or to take off my clothes because I displeased him and he doesn’t feel I deserve them.

So no, giving up control has not been stress relieving or easy for me at all. I have fought it all the way which just confuses me more because I want him to be in control.

Giving up that control is important though… to the both of us. I feel as the woman it is my job to do as my husband says. And as my Master he feels that I should as well. When I do give up control things go fine… and when I try to take it back things end disastrously. I make threats. I throw tantrums. I hit. I play guilt trips. I manipulate and I connive. And him staying in control through all of that is what I need and when I hit a weak point and, as a human being, he isn’t able to or he falters for just one second, I leap on him as I’m a huntress and he is my weakened pray. And then it starts all over.

Little by little we are getting better. I’m able to give up control for longer the more persistent he is with me. The more regular things become the better slave I become.

This sort of dynamic is just who I am… who we are. We both want it and need it to function and be happy. I’ve always known that. I’ve always felt that when I married I wanted the man in control… see to me, husband and wife is the same as Master and slave. The husband being the Master and the wife being the slave. For Master though, he recently realized this through me. He had always wanted to be the boss, the Man… and in a sense the Master but he was raised under a control freak mother and forced to submit to women all the time.

We are both discovering new parts of ourselves and loving it! :)

Struggling With Slavery

I’ve always been dominant for as long as I can remember. I’m not afraid of anyone, including my 6ft2 father. In fact, growing up… I was the only one who would stand up to him. That mostly started after his divorce. It didn’t take long for me to step into ‘mother role’ and when he’d had a hard day and was a little snappy I was right there at the ripe ol’ age of 13 telling him that he needed to knock it off. I remember times when the both of us were in bad moods and would just go at it… but no matter what we always had the closest relationship. I think that might have been because both of are of a dominant nature and anyone who has a dominant nature needs someone to make them back down eventually.

No matter what happened in my life I would try to find somewhere on my small, underage shoulders and deal with it. When I was put in the system I took care of my little sister. When I was adopted and the woman who became my adopted mother became abusive to me and my sister (once she had her own children) I stepped in there and stood up to her in order to not only protect myself but to make sure most of the heat was directed at me.

No matter what she, or anyone else for that matter, threw at me I took it and I woke up with a smile the next day. And because of all that, I don’t know how to back down now. Even when I’m wrong and I know I’m wrong I have to cool down and let go of my anger before I can apologize.

Everyone has always told me that because of my raising (an abusive mother) I learned from her. I learned her techniques and I used them and after she left my grandmother and father worked hard with me to help me get past them and not use them against everyone. Especially the control freak habit that I have. There was one trait I learned that no matter what I do I can’t seem to get past.

I acknowledge that I have it but I also know that I don’t want to lose it. It is how I protect myself and even though it hurts everyone around me I can’t find it in my heart to get rid of it even though my heart does want me to. Perhaps it is a mind over heart thing and in this case my heart just isn’t strong enough to win.

I can say the meanest things to people. I don’t even have to know very much about them to do it and I don’t tell lies. I take the truth and I manipulate it and I hurt people with it. Usually I can tell when I’m doing it but I can’t usually stop myself. I hate not having control over it but I haven’t found the strength to let go of the one tool that always protected me when I was being hurt the most from the time I was 7 to 13.

Now that I am in an M/s relationship this hinders me so much. No matter what emotion I’m feeling I get interpreted as mad. I want to blame my Master and say that he just doesn’t have the ability to read me but I can’t help but wonder if I truly do come off as angry regardless of what I’m feeling. Perhaps that is just another form of protection I have. Anytime my adopted mother would say hurtful things to me or do anything for that matter I couldn’t show her that it hurt. I had to make it seem as if I didn’t care because if I didn’t then that meant she won and I couldn’t let her win and… though I have so many repercussions because of it I can also stand her and say that I won. Not her. And even though I do have so many lasting effects because of her, I am trying to fix them so I am not like her and thus far, while I still have some traits that are because of her I am NOT like her. I care about my daughter. I want to adopt and that child will be as much mine as my daughter is. I want to cook and clean for my husband. I want to go places. I want to do activities with my family.

The point I’m trying to get at (as I seem to have strayed from the original topic) is that every single event that has taken place in my life has prevented me from having the ability to just open up and allow myself to submit and trust completely and it causes constant fights. And I want that to stop.

I want to have a Master/slave relationship. I want to be owned. I want to be controlled. And I want to make my Master happy while I do it but all I seem to do is cause problems that neither of us truly know how to fix.

I’m constantly trying the situation and testing rules just to see if he will back down or stand his ground because if he doesn’t constantly stand his ground I feel as if I ‘won’ even though I didn’t. I feel as if I’m still in control even though I’m not.

I want to stop feeling as if I’m in control. It isn’t his fault, he over powers me and shows me how easily he can make me do whatever it is he wants all the time… and I’m glad that he does because I need that physical reminder! But it doesn’t always help my emotional needs.

I guess I can end this saying that while I do have a problem I have at least taken the first step to fixing that problem… acknowledging it. :)

4 Months & 4 Days :)

That is how long I’ve been married as of today. I feel as if it has been longer though. Truth is, people can place whatever standard on marriage they want, Master and I were living as a married couple a lot longer than just those 4 months and 4 days. We did the paperwork but that piece of paper hasn’t changed anything about us, who we are or how we treat each other.

We decided to get married because we loved each other and making that official didn’t change that.

I hear all the time how statistics say that because we got married before this age or because we lived together before we got married we are more likely to divorce sooner rather than later or not at all. The reason for this, they say, is because when you aren’t married you still have that freedom of leaving and after you are married that freedom is blatantly gone. I don’t see that happening to Master and me because nothing has changed. Our opinions and pet peeves are the same. We didn’t consider ourselves free to look around before and we certainly don’t now.

Having said that, I can’t say that some things haven’t changed for the better.

Both of us have matured more and are working harder to resolve issues that we have. Both of us are working towards our goals, even when things get hard and we want to give up. Both of us love each other and our baby girl and want to strive to get past every mountain that suddenly leaps up in front of us for each other and her.

Up until this point we haven’t lived with each other. For a while we lived with my dad, and then we lived with his parents and then he moved to Denver and I back to Alamogordo for the remainder of my pregnancy and then I moved back up to Colorado Springs and he did as well and we went back to living with his parents but as of tonight, we are officially not living with anyone but each other. We finally have our own place! I can’t wait to see how much easier things become for us now that we can truly live as husband and wife. I’m excited. Scared… nervous.. but also excited. :)