Wanting More

Wanting more is something I struggle with a lot. I wonder if it is wrong. Am I allowed to ask for more?

I have a high amount of pride. I suppose that comes from being a natural dominatrix. That is where all of my strengths and experiences lie. I have this idea in my head of what a Master is supposed to be and that immediately sets me up for failure. Just because I as a dominant will behave a certain way by no rule means that my Master should as well but none the less I expect it.

And I can admit right up front that I am much harsher, crueler and stricter than he is.

My pleasure derives from inflicting pain and having complete servitude from the one who desires to submit to me. I say do it, he does. I even hint at wanting it… he gets it. I’m a hard Mistress and in my head that is just how it is supposed to be.

Just like I want to control everything… I want everything to be controlled. What I mean by that is when I first entered into this M/s relationship I wanted my Master to control as much as I had in past relationships. I wanted him to take everything from me and leave me completely at his mercy… break me in a sense.

This still hasn’t happened and I struggle with that.

I am the kind of person who wants things done yesterday. I come up with an idea and I have to do it right then and there be it dye my hair, cut my hair, go shopping, buy this, fix that or start this project. I’m very spontaneous like that and when it comes to a big project I rarely finish simply because the urge to do such things leaves just as suddenly as it comes.

I want to ask my Master to take more from me. I want to beg him to break me… and remold me into something I could only ever dream of being. But I don’t because of my pride. The pride that won’t let me just submit even though I want to do every little thing for him. And when he doesn’t just do it I try to let it go because I figure if he wanted that it would already be happening… right?

That’s the question I don’t really have an answer too. I’m sure things will become easier and more clear to the both of us as the amount of time we’ve invested in our relationship grows longer in length. I suppose only time will tell. :)

Control

A discussion got brought up today that got me to thinking. Obviously the relationship I have with Master is based off of control. I don’t want to control anything. I’ve always been in control and after so long you just get tired of it.

The first question that was asked was how giving up control has made my life easier and less stressful. My answer to that question probably isn’t the obvious one… but it doesn’t. If anything it causes me more stress simply because I have always been in control. Giving that up is hard.

In fact, giving up control has been the hardest part for me in the (almost year) that my Master and I became Master and slave. We had always done kinky things and we had even dabbled in the Mistress and slave but he hated it and I couldn’t stand the thought of keeping someone locked into something that truly made them miserable… especially since that sort of dynamic made me miserable as well.

When I met Master he had no idea about BDSM. He had just left that side of sex alone and was content with just pounding away and keeping things straight vanilla. I wasn’t okay with that and made it clear upon the second day of actually talking. I informed him that I was the ‘kinkiest virgin’ he would ever meet and I intended to stay that way. Thus making it clear kink was a requirement in play and I wasn’t going to fuck him until I felt he was the one.

And he was willing to try.

That caused us a lot of problems at first. He felt it was wrong and was afraid to like what he liked and I would get upset anytime I thought he wasn’t enjoying himself also.

But, after a little over a year of getting things figured out and trying different tactics we found that what would make us happiest was him controlling me… not the other way around.

We discovered that during my pregnancy and that made things so difficult. I was hormonal and he was afraid of being too rough and hurting the baby. And honestly, when things wouldn’t go my way I would pull that card. It took several months before he realized (and I was able to admit) that that is what was going on. And when he did realize that he pushed a little harder and I caved in. And things worked for us until I was no longer pregnant and got it in my head that things would go back to the way they were before because I could beat him.

I no longer wanted to give him control I wanted him to take it. Everything was changing… we were moving and had just had a baby… and I was 600 miles away from everything I’d ever known and I challenged him and it wasn’t until recently that he got me to back down.

It isn’t easy getting on the floor when he tells me to… or to take off my clothes because I displeased him and he doesn’t feel I deserve them.

So no, giving up control has not been stress relieving or easy for me at all. I have fought it all the way which just confuses me more because I want him to be in control.

Giving up that control is important though… to the both of us. I feel as the woman it is my job to do as my husband says. And as my Master he feels that I should as well. When I do give up control things go fine… and when I try to take it back things end disastrously. I make threats. I throw tantrums. I hit. I play guilt trips. I manipulate and I connive. And him staying in control through all of that is what I need and when I hit a weak point and, as a human being, he isn’t able to or he falters for just one second, I leap on him as I’m a huntress and he is my weakened pray. And then it starts all over.

Little by little we are getting better. I’m able to give up control for longer the more persistent he is with me. The more regular things become the better slave I become.

This sort of dynamic is just who I am… who we are. We both want it and need it to function and be happy. I’ve always known that. I’ve always felt that when I married I wanted the man in control… see to me, husband and wife is the same as Master and slave. The husband being the Master and the wife being the slave. For Master though, he recently realized this through me. He had always wanted to be the boss, the Man… and in a sense the Master but he was raised under a control freak mother and forced to submit to women all the time.

We are both discovering new parts of ourselves and loving it! :)

Struggling With Slavery

I’ve always been dominant for as long as I can remember. I’m not afraid of anyone, including my 6ft2 father. In fact, growing up… I was the only one who would stand up to him. That mostly started after his divorce. It didn’t take long for me to step into ‘mother role’ and when he’d had a hard day and was a little snappy I was right there at the ripe ol’ age of 13 telling him that he needed to knock it off. I remember times when the both of us were in bad moods and would just go at it… but no matter what we always had the closest relationship. I think that might have been because both of are of a dominant nature and anyone who has a dominant nature needs someone to make them back down eventually.

No matter what happened in my life I would try to find somewhere on my small, underage shoulders and deal with it. When I was put in the system I took care of my little sister. When I was adopted and the woman who became my adopted mother became abusive to me and my sister (once she had her own children) I stepped in there and stood up to her in order to not only protect myself but to make sure most of the heat was directed at me.

No matter what she, or anyone else for that matter, threw at me I took it and I woke up with a smile the next day. And because of all that, I don’t know how to back down now. Even when I’m wrong and I know I’m wrong I have to cool down and let go of my anger before I can apologize.

Everyone has always told me that because of my raising (an abusive mother) I learned from her. I learned her techniques and I used them and after she left my grandmother and father worked hard with me to help me get past them and not use them against everyone. Especially the control freak habit that I have. There was one trait I learned that no matter what I do I can’t seem to get past.

I acknowledge that I have it but I also know that I don’t want to lose it. It is how I protect myself and even though it hurts everyone around me I can’t find it in my heart to get rid of it even though my heart does want me to. Perhaps it is a mind over heart thing and in this case my heart just isn’t strong enough to win.

I can say the meanest things to people. I don’t even have to know very much about them to do it and I don’t tell lies. I take the truth and I manipulate it and I hurt people with it. Usually I can tell when I’m doing it but I can’t usually stop myself. I hate not having control over it but I haven’t found the strength to let go of the one tool that always protected me when I was being hurt the most from the time I was 7 to 13.

Now that I am in an M/s relationship this hinders me so much. No matter what emotion I’m feeling I get interpreted as mad. I want to blame my Master and say that he just doesn’t have the ability to read me but I can’t help but wonder if I truly do come off as angry regardless of what I’m feeling. Perhaps that is just another form of protection I have. Anytime my adopted mother would say hurtful things to me or do anything for that matter I couldn’t show her that it hurt. I had to make it seem as if I didn’t care because if I didn’t then that meant she won and I couldn’t let her win and… though I have so many repercussions because of it I can also stand her and say that I won. Not her. And even though I do have so many lasting effects because of her, I am trying to fix them so I am not like her and thus far, while I still have some traits that are because of her I am NOT like her. I care about my daughter. I want to adopt and that child will be as much mine as my daughter is. I want to cook and clean for my husband. I want to go places. I want to do activities with my family.

The point I’m trying to get at (as I seem to have strayed from the original topic) is that every single event that has taken place in my life has prevented me from having the ability to just open up and allow myself to submit and trust completely and it causes constant fights. And I want that to stop.

I want to have a Master/slave relationship. I want to be owned. I want to be controlled. And I want to make my Master happy while I do it but all I seem to do is cause problems that neither of us truly know how to fix.

I’m constantly trying the situation and testing rules just to see if he will back down or stand his ground because if he doesn’t constantly stand his ground I feel as if I ‘won’ even though I didn’t. I feel as if I’m still in control even though I’m not.

I want to stop feeling as if I’m in control. It isn’t his fault, he over powers me and shows me how easily he can make me do whatever it is he wants all the time… and I’m glad that he does because I need that physical reminder! But it doesn’t always help my emotional needs.

I guess I can end this saying that while I do have a problem I have at least taken the first step to fixing that problem… acknowledging it. :)

Constant Contact Over A Distance

This was inspired by a post I saw in the Doing Kink Long-Distance group.

Master and I have been 600 miles apart since September of 2010. It has been 4.5 long months with very few visits in between. The only way we have been able to stay close and get through these hard times of us being apart was by us having constant, daily contact. Had we not been able to talk and text and instant message every day the distance would have driven us both crazy with sadness and depression which would have only made everything worse for the both of us.

Constant contact helped us get through the rest of the pregnancy.

Constant contact helped us get through our marriage (November 24, 2010).

Constant contact helped us get farther in our M/s relationship.

Constant contact kept us both in the high spirits we needed to be to function.

Constant contact is what got us through being apart for as long as we have been.

Without that contact the insecurities I had about my Master finding another woman would have never gotten resolved and only caused problems and possibly caused us to ‘not make it’. Even with the constant, daily contact I got those insecurities because I was afraid that in our young age he would decide he wasn’t ready for this and would want to go and do other things but I was wrong… and the only way I was able to realize that was by talking to my Master and talking to him about my fears and getting through them through his constant reassurance that me and this baby were important to him.

Without that constant contact I wouldn’t have been able to handle the finances in a way that benefited both of us. By being able to talk to him daily I was able to know when he needed food and how much. When he needed gas and when he needed other bills due. By keeping constant contact he was able to go and take care of matters that needed to be done in person that I was unable to do.

Constant contact hasn’t only benefited me though. By being able to stay in constant, daily contact with each other I’ve been able to do things for my Master that made him feel as if he were still a part of thing. I would inform him of everywhere I went as he no longer could go with me. I told him every detail of every appointment before I told anyone else or posted about it as usually he would have gone with me. I was able to send him pictures of my belly as it got bigger. We were able to get on webcam almost every night.

The daily, constant contact helped us both… not just me. The girl who posted the question that inspired this journal asked if constant contact was needed to help a long distance relationship work and my answer to that is yes. Without it I can’t honestly say I believe Master and I would have been able to make it. :)