4 Months & 4 Days :)

That is how long I’ve been married as of today. I feel as if it has been longer though. Truth is, people can place whatever standard on marriage they want, Master and I were living as a married couple a lot longer than just those 4 months and 4 days. We did the paperwork but that piece of paper hasn’t changed anything about us, who we are or how we treat each other.

We decided to get married because we loved each other and making that official didn’t change that.

I hear all the time how statistics say that because we got married before this age or because we lived together before we got married we are more likely to divorce sooner rather than later or not at all. The reason for this, they say, is because when you aren’t married you still have that freedom of leaving and after you are married that freedom is blatantly gone. I don’t see that happening to Master and me because nothing has changed. Our opinions and pet peeves are the same. We didn’t consider ourselves free to look around before and we certainly don’t now.

Having said that, I can’t say that some things haven’t changed for the better.

Both of us have matured more and are working harder to resolve issues that we have. Both of us are working towards our goals, even when things get hard and we want to give up. Both of us love each other and our baby girl and want to strive to get past every mountain that suddenly leaps up in front of us for each other and her.

Up until this point we haven’t lived with each other. For a while we lived with my dad, and then we lived with his parents and then he moved to Denver and I back to Alamogordo for the remainder of my pregnancy and then I moved back up to Colorado Springs and he did as well and we went back to living with his parents but as of tonight, we are officially not living with anyone but each other. We finally have our own place! I can’t wait to see how much easier things become for us now that we can truly live as husband and wife. I’m excited. Scared… nervous.. but also excited. :)

Finally Wearing the Cuff Set Master Bought Me

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We Had Sex :D Finally!!

As of today I am 3 weeks and 5 days post-partum and last night Master and I had sex for the first time since having the baby. It was slightly painful but not too bad. I am not yet on birth control so we had to use a condom which sucked but it was still fun. I’ve missed being tied up and controlled and fucked. :)

With the move and everything I’m not really sure how things are going to go with getting my birth control back in. I have to close my NM Medicaid so that I can move up here and switch the baby and I to Medicaid up here and I don’t know if Colorado Medicaid covers the Mirena which is basically the only form I can be on. I’m allergic to the pill and am terrified of the shot (I’ve seen what it does to girls!) and I know for a fact that the Mirena works and works very well! I was on it for 3 months before I had it taken out and got pregnant with my daughter. In fact, my body went straight back to normal after having it taken out. I ovulated almost immediately and got pregnant! I love having the option of having the BC taken out and then *bam* having a baby while with other forms it isn’t that quick.

I’m not sure if we will have sex again tonight as I might be sore from the night before but we might. I’m mostly looking forward to getting back down to New Mexico. I wasn’t able to bring anything but essentials when I came up because I went by plane and already had too much stuff!

Another nice little piece of news is that we got approved for our apartment and put the holding fee down. We move in on March 1^st! And they do accept animals and they have NO size limit which means that once Master and I have the extra 300 deposit we can get the large dog I’ve been wanting so bad! I see it being difficult having a big dog in a semi small apartment (one bedroom) but I also seeing it being very advantageous as Master will be at work and school most of the time leaving Emeny and me home alone. I plan to do some photography out of my home which means strangers will be there and a dog could offer a lot of protection. Plus I mostly just love big dogs and ever since I lost Dash (I’m still sad over that :( ) I’ve wanted another one… one that won’t get forced outside while I’m not home! Plus I think Emeny would love to have a dog!

I’ve been in Colorado for 5 days now and so far I’ve spent most of the time alone. Master’s family is really busy and hardly ever here but I don’t really mind. I like being alone. I can do what I want when I want and it just makes everything easier.

Well that is about all I have to share for now. Master and I had sex. Woohoo!! Definitely means we won’t have to wait the full 6 weeks to have the extremely fast and rough sex that I love. :D

Personality Desire Clash

I’m not submissive. I’ve never been submissive. I can’t see myself ever becoming submissive.

Different people have different types of personalities and those personalities are what allow them to be able to live as Master and slave. The obvious match would be dominant with a submissive but I’ve learned from personal experience and by reading about other’s M/s relationships that the most obvious match isn’t always the most common match.

I read all the time from slaves that they are not submissive and I can understand that completely because I’m not a submissive either. I don’t back down easily and sometimes I don’t back down at all. I hardly ever listen and I’m constantly in trouble even when I don’t ‘want’ to be! And with an exception to my Master… I don’t listen to anyone without good reason first.

This is because my personality clashes with what I crave… with my desire. I want to be tied up. I want to submit to one man because I have to regardless of want. I want to be made. I crave to be forced. I want to be owned and treated as something that is owned.

I don’t know why and that is what makes this so hard for me. Every fiber of my being screams at me not to want this but I do anyhow. Even though I always try to take control of the situation, I don’t want to! But I try anyways. Does it get more confusing than that?

I may not be a submissive but I am a slave. I do have a Master and as our relationship goes further I listen better and better. My desire to listen increases. And I become a better slave day by day. Ultimately this is what I want regardless of what part of me tells me I don’t.

And I love the fact that my Master gives it to me.

When I try to run because the drive in me to be in control begins to overpower what I desire he doesn’t let me. He does whatever it takes to get me to back down regardless of what little games I pull. Due to me being pregnant through most of our M/s relationship he’s had to use many different tactics. Some included tying me to the bed and leaving me. Others included stripping me down to where I couldn’t leave the room.

The last time Master had to ‘put me back in my place’ was Christmas Eve. I tried every game that I could to get my way but nothing worked. I felt so upset for hours afterwards but I realized that that was exactly what I needed and I feel I’ve been much better behaved since then. My drive to disobey has lessened and my craving to please has risen.

Having your personality clash with what you desire is rough but can be overcome. It just takes time and I feel so lucky that I have found a man who wants to take that time for me. :)