Saturday, January 29, 2011

The Journey of Discovery

The journey of discovery is one everyone takes and possibly the hardest journey ever. When I refer to discovery I am referring to discovering one’s self… who they are and who they want to become. Taking this journey is a must when it comes to the lifestyle especially when it comes to Master/slave relationships. Before you can truly submit to someone you have to know who you are and what you want to become as well as why you want to be a slave and why as a slave you want to be owned and why you want to be owned by ‘that’ person.
But before a slave can do that a Master must do that and decide who he is, what he stands for and why he stands for it. If he can’t figure out who he is then he can’t gain control of who he is and what he does and until he gains that control he can’t control another.
And all of that makes the M/s journey so difficult. When one person is ready the other may not be rendering them both ‘not ready’ which can only leave one unsatisfied.
When I first began speaking to others that were in Master/slave relationships I learned more than I had known which is saying something because I was fairly certain I knew everything I needed to but since learning from others I’ve only discovered that I know hardly anything and have a long road ahead of me if I want to get to the point in my life and personality to where I can truly submit to my husband.
He wants to be my Master and I want to be his slave but trying to do this has only shown me that it takes more than want. I’ve written many journals. One spoke of trust and how essential it is in this relationship. Another spoke of hiding things and how it can only build walls in the way of the path your taking and that climbing over those walls only makes the road longer in the long run.
Neither of us really knows who we are or how to get what we want. The only thing we both do know is what we want. I want to submit to him. I want to be his slave… his property… his wife. But I don’t know how to. He wants me to be all of those things but he isn’t sure how to teach me or how to get me past all the obstacles life has placed in my way.
I try to trust but I don’t know how to in all the ways I need to. I can’t get past the fear that history has given me. And when I don’t trust him with everything he can’t help me but I’m so worried that he won’t know how to anyways.
I’m afraid of seeming vulnerable so I try to seem strong and in control and that only builds yet another wall. I want to be allowed to be weak and seem weak. I want to feel as if I can break down and cry whenever I need to. I want to know that it is okay to just appear human and not have to hide everything so others don’t know. But I don’t know if he knows how to help me with that or even knows if that is the case. And I don’t really know how to tell him. Even if he reads this and confronts me I won’t know how to respond. But I want to know how to.
I’ve got so many issues. I’ve got BPD (borderline personality disorder), separation anxiety (extremely bad if you’re past the age of two) and issues with accepting change. The BPD causes me to get angry of the silliest of things with no understanding as to why which only makes me angrier. The separation anxiety makes me clingy. I’ve actually driven with Master to work just so I didn’t have to be by myself without him all day. I sat in the car and was very thankful for my Droid!
Those aren’t even the worst of my issues. I’ve been molested that I know of for sure and I have reason to believe that I was fully raped as well. I’ve got a tear in the area between my ass and vagina… that area that rips sometimes when you’re having a baby. It’s been there for as long as I can remember. And the only explanation I can come up with is something to big went in to a hole that it just couldn’t fit in… and when you’re only 2 (apx. the age I was molested at) well, that hole is pretty much to small for anything to fit in and that makes it so hard having my daughter always afraid someone is going to think I’m doing something wrong when I change her. Not knowing if someone is thinking that I’m weird for taking baths with her rather than bathing her in the sink.
I do it because she is my daughter and I have to take care of her but it makes me cry realizing my issues are now affecting me as a parent.
And all of this just makes an M/s relationship so hard.
Trying to discover who you are and who you want to be and how you’re going to reach that. And that is where I am at… trying to figure out how I’m going to reach all that I want.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

We Had Sex :D Finally!!


As of today I am 3 weeks and 5 days post-partum and last night Master and I had sex for the first time since having the baby. It was slightly painful but not too bad. I am not yet on birth control so we had to use a condom which sucked but it was still fun. I’ve missed being tied up and controlled and fucked. :)
With the move and everything I’m not really sure how things are going to go with getting my birth control back in. I have to close my NM Medicaid so that I can move up here and switch the baby and I to Medicaid up here and I don’t know if Colorado Medicaid covers the Mirena which is basically the only form I can be on. I’m allergic to the pill and am terrified of the shot (I’ve seen what it does to girls!) and I know for a fact that the Mirena works and works very well! I was on it for 3 months before I had it taken out and got pregnant with my daughter. In fact, my body went straight back to normal after having it taken out. I ovulated almost immediately and got pregnant! I love having the option of having the BC taken out and then *bam* having a baby while with other forms it isn’t that quick.
I’m not sure if we will have sex again tonight as I might be sore from the night before but we might. I’m mostly looking forward to getting back down to New Mexico. I wasn’t able to bring anything but essentials when I came up because I went by plane and already had too much stuff!
Another nice little piece of news is that we got approved for our apartment and put the holding fee down. We move in on March 1st! And they do accept animals and they have NO size limit which means that once Master and I have the extra 300 deposit we can get the large dog I’ve been wanting so bad! I see it being difficult having a big dog in a semi small apartment (one bedroom) but I also seeing it being very advantageous as Master will be at work and school most of the time leaving Emeny and me home alone. I plan to do some photography out of my home which means strangers will be there and a dog could offer a lot of protection. Plus I mostly just love big dogs and ever since I lost Dash (I’m still sad over that :( ) I’ve wanted another one… one that won’t get forced outside while I’m not home! Plus I think Emeny would love to have a dog!
I’ve been in Colorado for 5 days now and so far I’ve spent most of the time alone. Master’s family is really busy and hardly ever here but I don’t really mind. I like being alone. I can do what I want when I want and it just makes everything easier.
Well that is about all I have to share for now. Master and I had sex. Woohoo!! Definitely means we won’t have to wait the full 6 weeks to have the extremely fast and rough sex that I love. :D

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Women Issues

I have a lot of issues due to my past and one of my biggest issues is with women. I don’t trust them. I don’t relate to them. I have a hard time letting them in. And every time I try to give a new woman a chance something happens that shows me the same lesson I’ve already learned.
A woman got tricked by the devil because the devil was the only creature cunning enough to trick her.
The worst part is that it hurts me like crazy. None of them seem to truly like me and I don’t even know what I do wrong. I try with everything I have to make people happy and to do the right thing. I’m only one person and I make mistakes but I am really trying my best. And it still isn’t good enough. It never has been and I just don’t know why.
So many mothers of other girls, friend of mine, have told me how they would be proud to have me as a daughter and that I am a good person and a good girl… except for the women who actually could call me their daughter.
Even dad’s new wife doesn’t really like me and I’ve done nothing to her. I haven’t tried to step in and or step on her domain. I completely stepped back when he got married but apparently that wasn’t good enough. There have been so many occasions with her that disagreements have happened. It got so bad that she wouldn’t go anywhere with me and dad because I made her feel like a third wheel. I NEVER said anything to her to make her feel uncomfortable going with us. I know I didn’t because after all this time… I know how to chase a woman off and I know when I’m doing it and I haven’t at all with her. I’ve tried so, so hard and still she doesn’t like me.
About a month before I had the baby she made it clear to me I wasn’t welcome here in her eyes. The words “You are moving once you have the baby right?” still ring in my ears. Just another ‘ouch you don’t want me either’ moment in my life and I am honestly so tired of those. I’m tired of giving women chances just to have them show me why I shouldn’t. I’m tired of being hurt by them. Every single one of them.
Almost my entire pregnancy she made it clear how she was afraid that I wouldn’t be a good mom and that I wouldn’t take care of the things I needed but ever since my daughter has been born she hasn’t washed one piece of mine or the baby’s clothing. I keep my own room clean. I make sure my trash gets thrown away and that I get my dishes in the kitchen if I take any to my room. I haven’t made her clean up after me or Emeny and still she does these snide little things that would piss any person off and it puts me in a position of… ouch… I thought you liked me.
Tonight it was over the baby. Emeny’s been so clingy lately and she won’t let me put her down and that’s all fine and dandy right now while I can hold her every second of the day but when Master and I move and are living together I won’t be able to hold her every single second. She will have to be content in her swing or a bouncer or whatever items we have for her at that time. So, finally after a few days of her being clingy, I set myself up to let her cry and just get it out of her system. I try to give her a binky and get her to stop crying and as I expected she wouldn’t. So I go to the kitchen to eat. I have her in her swing with her little mobile going and music playing so she has something to look at. She has a blanket on her and it wasn’t cold in the living room anyhow. Emeny continues to scream as I had figured she would and Susan rushes down there and starts playing with her and doing exactly what I had decided NOT to do so that she would get out of her little spoiled stage.
After a while I look at my dad and explain to him that Susan isn’t doing us any favors so he tells her to stop and gets ignored. So, I raise my voice a little, not a lot but I don’t see how I wasn’t heard (that is her story), and tell her to leave the baby alone because Emeny needs to learn she can’t be held 24/7. She ignores me as well. Finally dad raises his voice a lot and gets her attention. Upset or angry or whatever it is that she was, she puts her jacket on and goes outside. I’d like to point out here that I was in the kitchen because dinner was ready and we were all supposed to be sitting down to eat. So dad and I sit there alone eating dinner because she was pissed because I was trying to do something with my baby.
Yes I am a new mom. No I do not know everything. I do have common sense though and that tells me that when I’m alone in CO… the baby is going to be in situations where she can’t be held such as when I’m cooking or cleaning or something to that effect.
And so now, once again, we aren’t speaking and she is pissed off at me when in all reality I should be the one angry because she was ignoring MY wishes with MY child. But I’m not pissed… I’m hurt. She has no reason to dislike me and yet she does.
I’m sick of women doing this to me. It isn’t fair. :( At least soon I’ll be 500 miles away from this drama and 500 miles closer to my Master.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Constant Contact Over A Distance

This was inspired by a post I saw in the Doing Kink Long-Distance group.

Master and I have been 600 miles apart since September of 2010. It has been 4.5 long months with very few visits in between. The only way we have been able to stay close and get through these hard times of us being apart was by us having constant, daily contact. Had we not been able to talk and text and instant message every day the distance would have driven us both crazy with sadness and depression which would have only made everything worse for the both of us.
Constant contact helped us get through the rest of the pregnancy.
Constant contact helped us get through our marriage (November 24, 2010).
Constant contact helped us get farther in our M/s relationship.
Constant contact kept us both in the high spirits we needed to be to function.

Constant contact is what got us through being apart for as long as we have been.

Without that contact the insecurities I had about my Master finding another woman would have never gotten resolved and only caused problems and possibly caused us to ‘not make it’. Even with the constant, daily contact I got those insecurities because I was afraid that in our young age he would decide he wasn’t ready for this and would want to go and do other things but I was wrong… and the only way I was able to realize that was by talking to my Master and talking to him about my fears and getting through them through his constant reassurance that me and this baby were important to him.
Without that constant contact I wouldn’t have been able to handle the finances in a way that benefited both of us. By being able to talk to him daily I was able to know when he needed food and how much. When he needed gas and when he needed other bills due. By keeping constant contact he was able to go and take care of matters that needed to be done in person that I was unable to do.
Constant contact hasn’t only benefited me though. By being able to stay in constant, daily contact with each other I’ve been able to do things for my Master that made him feel as if he were still a part of thing. I would inform him of everywhere I went as he no longer could go with me. I told him every detail of every appointment before I told anyone else or posted about it as usually he would have gone with me. I was able to send him pictures of my belly as it got bigger. We were able to get on webcam almost every night.
The daily, constant contact helped us both… not just me. The girl who posted the question that inspired this journal asked if constant contact was needed to help a long distance relationship work and my answer to that is yes. Without it I can’t honestly say I believe Master and I would have been able to make it. :)

Personality Desire Clash

I’m not submissive. I’ve never been submissive. I can’t see myself ever becoming submissive.
Different people have different types of personalities and those personalities are what allow them to be able to live as Master and slave. The obvious match would be dominant with a submissive but I’ve learned from personal experience and by reading about other’s M/s relationships that the most obvious match isn’t always the most common match.
I read all the time from slaves that they are not submissive and I can understand that completely because I’m not a submissive either. I don’t back down easily and sometimes I don’t back down at all. I hardly ever listen and I’m constantly in trouble even when I don’t ‘want’ to be! And with an exception to my Master… I don’t listen to anyone without good reason first.
This is because my personality clashes with what I crave… with my desire. I want to be tied up. I want to submit to one man because I have to regardless of want. I want to be made. I crave to be forced. I want to be owned and treated as something that is owned.
I don’t know why and that is what makes this so hard for me. Every fiber of my being screams at me not to want this but I do anyhow. Even though I always try to take control of the situation, I don’t want to! But I try anyways. Does it get more confusing than that?
I may not be a submissive but I am a slave. I do have a Master and as our relationship goes further I listen better and better. My desire to listen increases. And I become a better slave day by day. Ultimately this is what I want regardless of what part of me tells me I don’t.
And I love the fact that my Master gives it to me.
When I try to run because the drive in me to be in control begins to overpower what I desire he doesn’t let me. He does whatever it takes to get me to back down regardless of what little games I pull. Due to me being pregnant through most of our M/s relationship he’s had to use many different tactics. Some included tying me to the bed and leaving me. Others included stripping me down to where I couldn’t leave the room.
The last time Master had to ‘put me back in my place’ was Christmas Eve. I tried every game that I could to get my way but nothing worked. I felt so upset for hours afterwards but I realized that that was exactly what I needed and I feel I’ve been much better behaved since then. My drive to disobey has lessened and my craving to please has risen.
Having your personality clash with what you desire is rough but can be overcome. It just takes time and I feel so lucky that I have found a man who wants to take that time for me. :)

Should A Master Lead By Example?

I found this topic in one of the groups here and it gave me the desire to write a separate blog about it and what my thoughts on the matter are.
I’d like to answer the question straight off by asking another question. Can a child learn how to talk if no one ever talks around the child?
The answer to that particular question has been answered several times in the cases of feral children. Feral children also teach us that humans learn by example. So, how can a Master expect a slave to learn anything correctly if the Master doesn’t do those things himself?
The example I’ll use is smoking. A discussion in this same group showed me that, in the people who answered, the majority of the Masters or Dominants who wouldn’t allow their slaves to smoke smoked themselves. I’m not going to turn this into a debate of smoking is okay or not okay but rather I want to go with the following statement.
Doing something yourself that you’re against another doing is very hypocritical.
Moving on with my thoughts… I don’t think I’d be able to respect a Master as a person if one were to come to me and say something along the lines of “you can’t do this but I can because I said so” and if I can’t respect someone as a person  wouldn’t be able to respect that person as a Master either.
In a lot of sense I find D/s relationships to have a lot of ‘parent/child’ type of learning to them. Rules… punishment… being shaped into what the other thinks you should be… learning the things he wants you to learn… that sort of thing. Well anyways, just my thoughts on it…
I definitely think a Master should lead by example. It isn’t always possible and can be very hard… but I think that would make for a better relationship. :)