Being a Slave in Public

Over my short little life I’ve seen many different lifestyles happening right in front of me and looking back a lot of those dynamics were based off of a BDSM relationship. When I was really little I would write it off to that person just being weird but as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized I am just as ‘weird’ as they are I’m just not comfortable enough with myself to show it as openly.

And I wish that I were.

Everyone has always told me that I am very dominant, opinionated, out-spoken (and yes they mean the same thing but apparently just using one doesn’t describe me adequately enough lol) and not shy at all. I listened to what they said and I left it at that. But I’m none of those when you get down to it.

I am dominant. But only because I have had to be to survive. I don’t like to give up control because I’ve always had others take advantage of me. You know the old saying ‘give an inch, take a mile’… well that is what people would always do to me. And I hated it. And when I say people I’m referring to just one. My dad’s ex-wife. From the day she got me (I was adopted) she tried to control me. And I didn’t like it.

See, I usually operate off of logic and when someone tells me to do something for no logical reason I don’t want to do it. Or if I get told for no logical reason I don’t want to listen. If one can present me with a reason that is logical I will usually back down and do as told… but it all operates around logic. If you want me to do something then have a reason. I don’t figure that is asking too much is it?

I am opinionated. But only for the same reason that I am dominant. Because of that woman. I don’t like being told to shut-up even when I should indeed shut-up. (My mouth gets me in more trouble than it is worth lol). When I have an opinion about a topic I like to get it off of my chest and to have others know what that opinion is. I suppose this could be because I never was allowed to do that growing up.

I’ve learned over the years that I’m rarely wrong when it comes to other people or issues (just my own, go figure). In addition to that I hate being lied to. I believe the adage do unto others as you would have them do unto you.. and I am one of those people who would prefer the truth even if it hurts. In turn I always tell the truth. Even when it will hurt the other. It isn’t that I wanted to hurt them but if I lie they will only find out later that I lied and then be twice as hurt because there are now two things to hurt over instead of just one.

I am out-spoken. When I believe something I believe it 100%... why else believe it? Why do something with only half your heart when if you can’t do it with your full heart you shouldn’t be doing it? So when I do believe in something I believe in it with a passion… and when you have a passion why hide it? Passions should be shared.

Add all of this together and I guess you could same I am the exact opposite of the ‘perfect slave’. And yet I don’t think I’m that bad of a slave at all.

Need… Desire…Strive.

I practice all of those not as often as I should but as often as my heart allows me to (stupid pride).

I need a man who wants to love and take care of me… and possess me.

I desire an unconditional love from someone who loves my perfections but mostly loves my imperfections because that is all I am.

I strive to please because I love making others happy.

It is the last one that I fight the most. See, the part of me that wants to be a slave comes from my heart but most of me is ruled by my mind… my logic. And while my logic in infallible… sometimes my heart fights until it wins because then all of me wins and not just part of me. And when my logic wins… all of me loses except that small part that can sit there and say ‘I won’ while the rest of me says ‘but you didn’t want to win’.

And the crappy part is I can write this… I can acknowledge it… but I can’t seem to overcome it. I can’t let go of my pride. And I need to. I want to. But for some reason I can’t. And until I find that reason I won’t be able to.

The end. ;)

It's Been A While...

It's been a while since I've posted to this blog... I just haven't had any time to sit and reflect on mine and Master's M/s relationship but I'd like to start doing that again. I've noticed I tend to behave better when I do ;)

My reasons for being gone:

• My grandfather passed away and I was in NM for around 3 weeks.
• I've spent the last week trying to get back into the groove of things.

Yup... just two but those two are good enough I feel. :)

Anyhow, I'm back and ready to write blogs and stories so feel free to start keeping up with me again :D ;)

Master/slave & Husband/wife

They are completely different lifestyles in this world for most but for me… they aren’t. They are the exact same. There is nothing my Master could want me to do that I wouldn’t do if he were just my husband.

I believe that sex is a marital duty and thus, regardless of whether I want it or not (though that has never been a problem ;)) I will spread my legs for him because that is what I feel I am supposed to do.

He requires a clean house and as his wife (not just his slave) I make sure to keep it clean and I clean it the way he wants. When I don’t I get questioned and am told to correct it in the future. I don’t find this kinky nor do I find it to apply simply because he is my Master. I would do it regardless.

I take care of our child at home while he works. I don’t go places without informing him first. I don’t plan things at times he can’t be there. I do all my out of the house-work while he is home so that he can accompany me which is how he likes it.

The only thing kinky we do is in the bedroom and that is only because we both enjoy rope, blindfolds and the such and even that, to us, isn’t kinky as it is something we do regularly. After all, it is only kinky the first time. The only reason we still refer to it as kinky is because to most everyone else that is exactly what it is. Actually, the only time we are truly kinky is when we just have vanilla sex. We do it so rarely that to us… that is when we are being kinky!

Everything that is applied in our relationship that we label as Master & slave can easily be defined as Husband & wife. I won’t say I think women aren’t as good as men but I do think that as a woman my place is underneath my husband. If I wanted to get a job, while I would want his support, I wouldn’t if he told me he wanted me at home so that I could take care of the things there.

I still get angry. I still expect certain things from him such as bringing my dishes in from his car when he takes them to work *grumbles, bitches, gripes* (lol) or to take the trash out on his way to the car in the mornings or evenings so that it doesn’t pile up. And often, he does things that I don’t expect at all such as cleaning the kitchen for me after we finish eating dinner just because he can and he doesn’t mind.

He loves doing things for me just as much as I love doing things for him. It doesn’t make me any less his slave or wife and it doesn’t mean he isn’t being a Master or husband to me.

I’ve read many times that the Master in the relationship controls the finances and the food because they feel that puts them in direct control. For me and my Master is it the exact opposite. He finds finances a hindrance. They certainly aren’t his strong point and so I do them for him. This does mean he has to ask me before he can buy things because I’m the only one who knows if the money is in the account but that is nothing more than me serving him and taking more off of his plate. It isn’t putting me in control of anything.

The same goes with the food. I’m a good cook. He isn’t. He loves helping me in the kitchen so long as I do the actual cooking. He prefers to gopher and I love the help.

The more I learn about this world the more I realize that I don’t truly fit in just a Master/slave dynamic because it is more than that to me. It is the correct label but to end at just that label would be off. So, I end this with, we are more than Master and slave… we are also Husband and wife. Where one doesn’t include something the other does and the two just work together to fill in every last little hole.

Wanting More

Wanting more is something I struggle with a lot. I wonder if it is wrong. Am I allowed to ask for more?

I have a high amount of pride. I suppose that comes from being a natural dominatrix. That is where all of my strengths and experiences lie. I have this idea in my head of what a Master is supposed to be and that immediately sets me up for failure. Just because I as a dominant will behave a certain way by no rule means that my Master should as well but none the less I expect it.

And I can admit right up front that I am much harsher, crueler and stricter than he is.

My pleasure derives from inflicting pain and having complete servitude from the one who desires to submit to me. I say do it, he does. I even hint at wanting it… he gets it. I’m a hard Mistress and in my head that is just how it is supposed to be.

Just like I want to control everything… I want everything to be controlled. What I mean by that is when I first entered into this M/s relationship I wanted my Master to control as much as I had in past relationships. I wanted him to take everything from me and leave me completely at his mercy… break me in a sense.

This still hasn’t happened and I struggle with that.

I am the kind of person who wants things done yesterday. I come up with an idea and I have to do it right then and there be it dye my hair, cut my hair, go shopping, buy this, fix that or start this project. I’m very spontaneous like that and when it comes to a big project I rarely finish simply because the urge to do such things leaves just as suddenly as it comes.

I want to ask my Master to take more from me. I want to beg him to break me… and remold me into something I could only ever dream of being. But I don’t because of my pride. The pride that won’t let me just submit even though I want to do every little thing for him. And when he doesn’t just do it I try to let it go because I figure if he wanted that it would already be happening… right?

That’s the question I don’t really have an answer too. I’m sure things will become easier and more clear to the both of us as the amount of time we’ve invested in our relationship grows longer in length. I suppose only time will tell. :)

Control

A discussion got brought up today that got me to thinking. Obviously the relationship I have with Master is based off of control. I don’t want to control anything. I’ve always been in control and after so long you just get tired of it.

The first question that was asked was how giving up control has made my life easier and less stressful. My answer to that question probably isn’t the obvious one… but it doesn’t. If anything it causes me more stress simply because I have always been in control. Giving that up is hard.

In fact, giving up control has been the hardest part for me in the (almost year) that my Master and I became Master and slave. We had always done kinky things and we had even dabbled in the Mistress and slave but he hated it and I couldn’t stand the thought of keeping someone locked into something that truly made them miserable… especially since that sort of dynamic made me miserable as well.

When I met Master he had no idea about BDSM. He had just left that side of sex alone and was content with just pounding away and keeping things straight vanilla. I wasn’t okay with that and made it clear upon the second day of actually talking. I informed him that I was the ‘kinkiest virgin’ he would ever meet and I intended to stay that way. Thus making it clear kink was a requirement in play and I wasn’t going to fuck him until I felt he was the one.

And he was willing to try.

That caused us a lot of problems at first. He felt it was wrong and was afraid to like what he liked and I would get upset anytime I thought he wasn’t enjoying himself also.

But, after a little over a year of getting things figured out and trying different tactics we found that what would make us happiest was him controlling me… not the other way around.

We discovered that during my pregnancy and that made things so difficult. I was hormonal and he was afraid of being too rough and hurting the baby. And honestly, when things wouldn’t go my way I would pull that card. It took several months before he realized (and I was able to admit) that that is what was going on. And when he did realize that he pushed a little harder and I caved in. And things worked for us until I was no longer pregnant and got it in my head that things would go back to the way they were before because I could beat him.

I no longer wanted to give him control I wanted him to take it. Everything was changing… we were moving and had just had a baby… and I was 600 miles away from everything I’d ever known and I challenged him and it wasn’t until recently that he got me to back down.

It isn’t easy getting on the floor when he tells me to… or to take off my clothes because I displeased him and he doesn’t feel I deserve them.

So no, giving up control has not been stress relieving or easy for me at all. I have fought it all the way which just confuses me more because I want him to be in control.

Giving up that control is important though… to the both of us. I feel as the woman it is my job to do as my husband says. And as my Master he feels that I should as well. When I do give up control things go fine… and when I try to take it back things end disastrously. I make threats. I throw tantrums. I hit. I play guilt trips. I manipulate and I connive. And him staying in control through all of that is what I need and when I hit a weak point and, as a human being, he isn’t able to or he falters for just one second, I leap on him as I’m a huntress and he is my weakened pray. And then it starts all over.

Little by little we are getting better. I’m able to give up control for longer the more persistent he is with me. The more regular things become the better slave I become.

This sort of dynamic is just who I am… who we are. We both want it and need it to function and be happy. I’ve always known that. I’ve always felt that when I married I wanted the man in control… see to me, husband and wife is the same as Master and slave. The husband being the Master and the wife being the slave. For Master though, he recently realized this through me. He had always wanted to be the boss, the Man… and in a sense the Master but he was raised under a control freak mother and forced to submit to women all the time.

We are both discovering new parts of ourselves and loving it! :)

Struggling With Slavery

I’ve always been dominant for as long as I can remember. I’m not afraid of anyone, including my 6ft2 father. In fact, growing up… I was the only one who would stand up to him. That mostly started after his divorce. It didn’t take long for me to step into ‘mother role’ and when he’d had a hard day and was a little snappy I was right there at the ripe ol’ age of 13 telling him that he needed to knock it off. I remember times when the both of us were in bad moods and would just go at it… but no matter what we always had the closest relationship. I think that might have been because both of are of a dominant nature and anyone who has a dominant nature needs someone to make them back down eventually.

No matter what happened in my life I would try to find somewhere on my small, underage shoulders and deal with it. When I was put in the system I took care of my little sister. When I was adopted and the woman who became my adopted mother became abusive to me and my sister (once she had her own children) I stepped in there and stood up to her in order to not only protect myself but to make sure most of the heat was directed at me.

No matter what she, or anyone else for that matter, threw at me I took it and I woke up with a smile the next day. And because of all that, I don’t know how to back down now. Even when I’m wrong and I know I’m wrong I have to cool down and let go of my anger before I can apologize.

Everyone has always told me that because of my raising (an abusive mother) I learned from her. I learned her techniques and I used them and after she left my grandmother and father worked hard with me to help me get past them and not use them against everyone. Especially the control freak habit that I have. There was one trait I learned that no matter what I do I can’t seem to get past.

I acknowledge that I have it but I also know that I don’t want to lose it. It is how I protect myself and even though it hurts everyone around me I can’t find it in my heart to get rid of it even though my heart does want me to. Perhaps it is a mind over heart thing and in this case my heart just isn’t strong enough to win.

I can say the meanest things to people. I don’t even have to know very much about them to do it and I don’t tell lies. I take the truth and I manipulate it and I hurt people with it. Usually I can tell when I’m doing it but I can’t usually stop myself. I hate not having control over it but I haven’t found the strength to let go of the one tool that always protected me when I was being hurt the most from the time I was 7 to 13.

Now that I am in an M/s relationship this hinders me so much. No matter what emotion I’m feeling I get interpreted as mad. I want to blame my Master and say that he just doesn’t have the ability to read me but I can’t help but wonder if I truly do come off as angry regardless of what I’m feeling. Perhaps that is just another form of protection I have. Anytime my adopted mother would say hurtful things to me or do anything for that matter I couldn’t show her that it hurt. I had to make it seem as if I didn’t care because if I didn’t then that meant she won and I couldn’t let her win and… though I have so many repercussions because of it I can also stand her and say that I won. Not her. And even though I do have so many lasting effects because of her, I am trying to fix them so I am not like her and thus far, while I still have some traits that are because of her I am NOT like her. I care about my daughter. I want to adopt and that child will be as much mine as my daughter is. I want to cook and clean for my husband. I want to go places. I want to do activities with my family.

The point I’m trying to get at (as I seem to have strayed from the original topic) is that every single event that has taken place in my life has prevented me from having the ability to just open up and allow myself to submit and trust completely and it causes constant fights. And I want that to stop.

I want to have a Master/slave relationship. I want to be owned. I want to be controlled. And I want to make my Master happy while I do it but all I seem to do is cause problems that neither of us truly know how to fix.

I’m constantly trying the situation and testing rules just to see if he will back down or stand his ground because if he doesn’t constantly stand his ground I feel as if I ‘won’ even though I didn’t. I feel as if I’m still in control even though I’m not.

I want to stop feeling as if I’m in control. It isn’t his fault, he over powers me and shows me how easily he can make me do whatever it is he wants all the time… and I’m glad that he does because I need that physical reminder! But it doesn’t always help my emotional needs.

I guess I can end this saying that while I do have a problem I have at least taken the first step to fixing that problem… acknowledging it. :)

4 Months & 4 Days :)

That is how long I’ve been married as of today. I feel as if it has been longer though. Truth is, people can place whatever standard on marriage they want, Master and I were living as a married couple a lot longer than just those 4 months and 4 days. We did the paperwork but that piece of paper hasn’t changed anything about us, who we are or how we treat each other.

We decided to get married because we loved each other and making that official didn’t change that.

I hear all the time how statistics say that because we got married before this age or because we lived together before we got married we are more likely to divorce sooner rather than later or not at all. The reason for this, they say, is because when you aren’t married you still have that freedom of leaving and after you are married that freedom is blatantly gone. I don’t see that happening to Master and me because nothing has changed. Our opinions and pet peeves are the same. We didn’t consider ourselves free to look around before and we certainly don’t now.

Having said that, I can’t say that some things haven’t changed for the better.

Both of us have matured more and are working harder to resolve issues that we have. Both of us are working towards our goals, even when things get hard and we want to give up. Both of us love each other and our baby girl and want to strive to get past every mountain that suddenly leaps up in front of us for each other and her.

Up until this point we haven’t lived with each other. For a while we lived with my dad, and then we lived with his parents and then he moved to Denver and I back to Alamogordo for the remainder of my pregnancy and then I moved back up to Colorado Springs and he did as well and we went back to living with his parents but as of tonight, we are officially not living with anyone but each other. We finally have our own place! I can’t wait to see how much easier things become for us now that we can truly live as husband and wife. I’m excited. Scared… nervous.. but also excited. :)

Finally Wearing the Cuff Set Master Bought Me

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Growing In Our Relationship

Master and I have come a really long ways in our relationship. Because of my past I have a lot of issues. Some of them have been diagnosed by a counselor and I’m still learning more and trying to work and fix the ones I have. Those issues have been the biggest challenge we’ve been confronted by in our relationship. Because of my BPD I would often get angry just at him wanting to stop at a gas station and get coffee or soda because when I set up an agenda in my mind it would throw me off and make me angry to change that. I couldn’t deviate off of that path at all unless it was my idea. I would get uncontrollably angry and not understand why which would only make me angrier just to make me feel really bad later.

We didn’t learn I had this particular issue until we had been together almost a year and I started going to a counselor to get help because I was falling into depression from all of our fighting. Once we realized what we had we both started to work towards helping me with it but it was a long journey before any improvement could be seen and I still sometimes have problems with it.

It has just been recently, since getting married actually, that I noticed the difference. Before I would get mad if he would call and ask if there was money for him to get coffee on the way to work. I would freak out because I hadn’t scheduled money out for that and just start panicking that we were going to run out and not be able to pay bills and so I would tell him no after getting really pissed off which would have both of our guards up. Then, I would calm down and look at the budget and then we would go and eat out that night and that would make him angry. He would wonder why we could afford to eat out but he couldn’t get a coffee and that would lead to a fight that night.

Once we figured it out we were really able to work towards fixing it. I don’t even really know what we did. I think part of it was that he became more understanding because he realized that I did have an actual issue and once I realized what was causing me to get angry I didn’t get more angry when I would get angry. I would calm myself down and talk myself through what happened and why it happened. I started asking myself ‘why did you get mad about that?’ and over time that question turned into ‘should you get mad over that’ and now I am noticing that I don’t get mad at all.

The first time I really, truly noticed it to the point things clicked enough to where I could write this was about a week or two ago when Master got pulled over and got a ticket. Before I would have been angry and upset that he had been inconsiderate and now I had to stress over coming up with the money to pay for it. But that didn’t happen! I just told him it was okay, we would try to get it dismissed and if not we would pay the ticket. It wasn’t until that night that I realized he could lose his license if he was over the point limit which was very possible that I freaked. That kind of change and stress was too much and I did over react but I was able to realize that within the hour and apologize and we got past it. Thinking back on it today I realized that the reason I freaked was illogical and if I had just sat and thought about it I wouldn’t have gotten mad at all!

The reason I was thinking about it today was because he got pulled over again and got another ticket. He says he wasn’t speeding and I believe him for the most part. I got a little stressed because now we have to figure out two tickets but I didn’t get mad. I didn’t yell at him. I tried to support him and get him to calm down before he got to work and for the most part I think I did a good job. He seemed to feel a little better by the time we got off the phone.

All of that just makes me so happy. I have issues and I know I have issues and I want to fix them and to see them finally starting to get better makes me feel as if all the trying and working towards it is worth it. It is just really nice to finally see some results and to know that my Master and my husband are the reason for those results. It makes me feel really happy, supported and fortunate to have him as my partner.

More than anything, I look forward to improving more with the man I love. :)

The Journey of Discovery

The journey of discovery is one everyone takes and possibly the hardest journey ever. When I refer to discovery I am referring to discovering one’s self… who they are and who they want to become. Taking this journey is a must when it comes to the lifestyle especially when it comes to Master/slave relationships. Before you can truly submit to someone you have to know who you are and what you want to become as well as why you want to be a slave and why as a slave you want to be owned and why you want to be owned by ‘that’ person.

But before a slave can do that a Master must do that and decide who he is, what he stands for and why he stands for it. If he can’t figure out who he is then he can’t gain control of who he is and what he does and until he gains that control he can’t control another.

And all of that makes the M/s journey so difficult. When one person is ready the other may not be rendering them both ‘not ready’ which can only leave one unsatisfied.

When I first began speaking to others that were in Master/slave relationships I learned more than I had known which is saying something because I was fairly certain I knew everything I needed to but since learning from others I’ve only discovered that I know hardly anything and have a long road ahead of me if I want to get to the point in my life and personality to where I can truly submit to my husband.

He wants to be my Master and I want to be his slave but trying to do this has only shown me that it takes more than want. I’ve written many journals. One spoke of trust and how essential it is in this relationship. Another spoke of hiding things and how it can only build walls in the way of the path your taking and that climbing over those walls only makes the road longer in the long run.

Neither of us really knows who we are or how to get what we want. The only thing we both do know is what we want. I want to submit to him. I want to be his slave… his property… his wife. But I don’t know how to. He wants me to be all of those things but he isn’t sure how to teach me or how to get me past all the obstacles life has placed in my way.

I try to trust but I don’t know how to in all the ways I need to. I can’t get past the fear that history has given me. And when I don’t trust him with everything he can’t help me but I’m so worried that he won’t know how to anyways.

I’m afraid of seeming vulnerable so I try to seem strong and in control and that only builds yet another wall. I want to be allowed to be weak and seem weak. I want to feel as if I can break down and cry whenever I need to. I want to know that it is okay to just appear human and not have to hide everything so others don’t know. But I don’t know if he knows how to help me with that or even knows if that is the case. And I don’t really know how to tell him. Even if he reads this and confronts me I won’t know how to respond. But I want to know how to.

I’ve got so many issues. I’ve got BPD (borderline personality disorder), separation anxiety (extremely bad if you’re past the age of two) and issues with accepting change. The BPD causes me to get angry of the silliest of things with no understanding as to why which only makes me angrier. The separation anxiety makes me clingy. I’ve actually driven with Master to work just so I didn’t have to be by myself without him all day. I sat in the car and was very thankful for my Droid!

Those aren’t even the worst of my issues. I’ve been molested that I know of for sure and I have reason to believe that I was fully raped as well. I’ve got a tear in the area between my ass and vagina… that area that rips sometimes when you’re having a baby. It’s been there for as long as I can remember. And the only explanation I can come up with is something to big went in to a hole that it just couldn’t fit in… and when you’re only 2 (apx. the age I was molested at) well, that hole is pretty much to small for anything to fit in and that makes it so hard having my daughter always afraid someone is going to think I’m doing something wrong when I change her. Not knowing if someone is thinking that I’m weird for taking baths with her rather than bathing her in the sink.

I do it because she is my daughter and I have to take care of her but it makes me cry realizing my issues are now affecting me as a parent.

And all of this just makes an M/s relationship so hard.

Trying to discover who you are and who you want to be and how you’re going to reach that. And that is where I am at… trying to figure out how I’m going to reach all that I want.

We Had Sex :D Finally!!

As of today I am 3 weeks and 5 days post-partum and last night Master and I had sex for the first time since having the baby. It was slightly painful but not too bad. I am not yet on birth control so we had to use a condom which sucked but it was still fun. I’ve missed being tied up and controlled and fucked. :)

With the move and everything I’m not really sure how things are going to go with getting my birth control back in. I have to close my NM Medicaid so that I can move up here and switch the baby and I to Medicaid up here and I don’t know if Colorado Medicaid covers the Mirena which is basically the only form I can be on. I’m allergic to the pill and am terrified of the shot (I’ve seen what it does to girls!) and I know for a fact that the Mirena works and works very well! I was on it for 3 months before I had it taken out and got pregnant with my daughter. In fact, my body went straight back to normal after having it taken out. I ovulated almost immediately and got pregnant! I love having the option of having the BC taken out and then *bam* having a baby while with other forms it isn’t that quick.

I’m not sure if we will have sex again tonight as I might be sore from the night before but we might. I’m mostly looking forward to getting back down to New Mexico. I wasn’t able to bring anything but essentials when I came up because I went by plane and already had too much stuff!

Another nice little piece of news is that we got approved for our apartment and put the holding fee down. We move in on March 1^st! And they do accept animals and they have NO size limit which means that once Master and I have the extra 300 deposit we can get the large dog I’ve been wanting so bad! I see it being difficult having a big dog in a semi small apartment (one bedroom) but I also seeing it being very advantageous as Master will be at work and school most of the time leaving Emeny and me home alone. I plan to do some photography out of my home which means strangers will be there and a dog could offer a lot of protection. Plus I mostly just love big dogs and ever since I lost Dash (I’m still sad over that :( ) I’ve wanted another one… one that won’t get forced outside while I’m not home! Plus I think Emeny would love to have a dog!

I’ve been in Colorado for 5 days now and so far I’ve spent most of the time alone. Master’s family is really busy and hardly ever here but I don’t really mind. I like being alone. I can do what I want when I want and it just makes everything easier.

Well that is about all I have to share for now. Master and I had sex. Woohoo!! Definitely means we won’t have to wait the full 6 weeks to have the extremely fast and rough sex that I love. :D

Women Issues

I have a lot of issues due to my past and one of my biggest issues is with women. I don’t trust them. I don’t relate to them. I have a hard time letting them in. And every time I try to give a new woman a chance something happens that shows me the same lesson I’ve already learned.

A woman got tricked by the devil because the devil was the only creature cunning enough to trick her.

The worst part is that it hurts me like crazy. None of them seem to truly like me and I don’t even know what I do wrong. I try with everything I have to make people happy and to do the right thing. I’m only one person and I make mistakes but I am really trying my best. And it still isn’t good enough. It never has been and I just don’t know why.

So many mothers of other girls, friend of mine, have told me how they would be proud to have me as a daughter and that I am a good person and a good girl… except for the women who actually could call me their daughter.

Even dad’s new wife doesn’t really like me and I’ve done nothing to her. I haven’t tried to step in and or step on her domain. I completely stepped back when he got married but apparently that wasn’t good enough. There have been so many occasions with her that disagreements have happened. It got so bad that she wouldn’t go anywhere with me and dad because I made her feel like a third wheel. I NEVER said anything to her to make her feel uncomfortable going with us. I know I didn’t because after all this time… I know how to chase a woman off and I know when I’m doing it and I haven’t at all with her. I’ve tried so, so hard and still she doesn’t like me.

About a month before I had the baby she made it clear to me I wasn’t welcome here in her eyes. The words “You are moving once you have the baby right?” still ring in my ears. Just another ‘ouch you don’t want me either’ moment in my life and I am honestly so tired of those. I’m tired of giving women chances just to have them show me why I shouldn’t. I’m tired of being hurt by them. Every single one of them.

Almost my entire pregnancy she made it clear how she was afraid that I wouldn’t be a good mom and that I wouldn’t take care of the things I needed but ever since my daughter has been born she hasn’t washed one piece of mine or the baby’s clothing. I keep my own room clean. I make sure my trash gets thrown away and that I get my dishes in the kitchen if I take any to my room. I haven’t made her clean up after me or Emeny and still she does these snide little things that would piss any person off and it puts me in a position of… ouch… I thought you liked me.

Tonight it was over the baby. Emeny’s been so clingy lately and she won’t let me put her down and that’s all fine and dandy right now while I can hold her every second of the day but when Master and I move and are living together I won’t be able to hold her every single second. She will have to be content in her swing or a bouncer or whatever items we have for her at that time. So, finally after a few days of her being clingy, I set myself up to let her cry and just get it out of her system. I try to give her a binky and get her to stop crying and as I expected she wouldn’t. So I go to the kitchen to eat. I have her in her swing with her little mobile going and music playing so she has something to look at. She has a blanket on her and it wasn’t cold in the living room anyhow. Emeny continues to scream as I had figured she would and Susan rushes down there and starts playing with her and doing exactly what I had decided NOT to do so that she would get out of her little spoiled stage.

After a while I look at my dad and explain to him that Susan isn’t doing us any favors so he tells her to stop and gets ignored. So, I raise my voice a little, not a lot but I don’t see how I wasn’t heard (that is her story), and tell her to leave the baby alone because Emeny needs to learn she can’t be held 24/7. She ignores me as well. Finally dad raises his voice a lot and gets her attention. Upset or angry or whatever it is that she was, she puts her jacket on and goes outside. I’d like to point out here that I was in the kitchen because dinner was ready and we were all supposed to be sitting down to eat. So dad and I sit there alone eating dinner because she was pissed because I was trying to do something with my baby.

Yes I am a new mom. No I do not know everything. I do have common sense though and that tells me that when I’m alone in CO… the baby is going to be in situations where she can’t be held such as when I’m cooking or cleaning or something to that effect.

And so now, once again, we aren’t speaking and she is pissed off at me when in all reality I should be the one angry because she was ignoring MY wishes with MY child. But I’m not pissed… I’m hurt. She has no reason to dislike me and yet she does.

I’m sick of women doing this to me. It isn’t fair. :( At least soon I’ll be 500 miles away from this drama and 500 miles closer to my Master.

Constant Contact Over A Distance

This was inspired by a post I saw in the Doing Kink Long-Distance group.

Master and I have been 600 miles apart since September of 2010. It has been 4.5 long months with very few visits in between. The only way we have been able to stay close and get through these hard times of us being apart was by us having constant, daily contact. Had we not been able to talk and text and instant message every day the distance would have driven us both crazy with sadness and depression which would have only made everything worse for the both of us.

Constant contact helped us get through the rest of the pregnancy.

Constant contact helped us get through our marriage (November 24, 2010).

Constant contact helped us get farther in our M/s relationship.

Constant contact kept us both in the high spirits we needed to be to function.

Constant contact is what got us through being apart for as long as we have been.

Without that contact the insecurities I had about my Master finding another woman would have never gotten resolved and only caused problems and possibly caused us to ‘not make it’. Even with the constant, daily contact I got those insecurities because I was afraid that in our young age he would decide he wasn’t ready for this and would want to go and do other things but I was wrong… and the only way I was able to realize that was by talking to my Master and talking to him about my fears and getting through them through his constant reassurance that me and this baby were important to him.

Without that constant contact I wouldn’t have been able to handle the finances in a way that benefited both of us. By being able to talk to him daily I was able to know when he needed food and how much. When he needed gas and when he needed other bills due. By keeping constant contact he was able to go and take care of matters that needed to be done in person that I was unable to do.

Constant contact hasn’t only benefited me though. By being able to stay in constant, daily contact with each other I’ve been able to do things for my Master that made him feel as if he were still a part of thing. I would inform him of everywhere I went as he no longer could go with me. I told him every detail of every appointment before I told anyone else or posted about it as usually he would have gone with me. I was able to send him pictures of my belly as it got bigger. We were able to get on webcam almost every night.

The daily, constant contact helped us both… not just me. The girl who posted the question that inspired this journal asked if constant contact was needed to help a long distance relationship work and my answer to that is yes. Without it I can’t honestly say I believe Master and I would have been able to make it. :)

Personality Desire Clash

I’m not submissive. I’ve never been submissive. I can’t see myself ever becoming submissive.

Different people have different types of personalities and those personalities are what allow them to be able to live as Master and slave. The obvious match would be dominant with a submissive but I’ve learned from personal experience and by reading about other’s M/s relationships that the most obvious match isn’t always the most common match.

I read all the time from slaves that they are not submissive and I can understand that completely because I’m not a submissive either. I don’t back down easily and sometimes I don’t back down at all. I hardly ever listen and I’m constantly in trouble even when I don’t ‘want’ to be! And with an exception to my Master… I don’t listen to anyone without good reason first.

This is because my personality clashes with what I crave… with my desire. I want to be tied up. I want to submit to one man because I have to regardless of want. I want to be made. I crave to be forced. I want to be owned and treated as something that is owned.

I don’t know why and that is what makes this so hard for me. Every fiber of my being screams at me not to want this but I do anyhow. Even though I always try to take control of the situation, I don’t want to! But I try anyways. Does it get more confusing than that?

I may not be a submissive but I am a slave. I do have a Master and as our relationship goes further I listen better and better. My desire to listen increases. And I become a better slave day by day. Ultimately this is what I want regardless of what part of me tells me I don’t.

And I love the fact that my Master gives it to me.

When I try to run because the drive in me to be in control begins to overpower what I desire he doesn’t let me. He does whatever it takes to get me to back down regardless of what little games I pull. Due to me being pregnant through most of our M/s relationship he’s had to use many different tactics. Some included tying me to the bed and leaving me. Others included stripping me down to where I couldn’t leave the room.

The last time Master had to ‘put me back in my place’ was Christmas Eve. I tried every game that I could to get my way but nothing worked. I felt so upset for hours afterwards but I realized that that was exactly what I needed and I feel I’ve been much better behaved since then. My drive to disobey has lessened and my craving to please has risen.

Having your personality clash with what you desire is rough but can be overcome. It just takes time and I feel so lucky that I have found a man who wants to take that time for me. :)

Should A Master Lead By Example?

I found this topic in one of the groups here and it gave me the desire to write a separate blog about it and what my thoughts on the matter are.

I’d like to answer the question straight off by asking another question. Can a child learn how to talk if no one ever talks around the child?

The answer to that particular question has been answered several times in the cases of feral children. Feral children also teach us that humans learn by example. So, how can a Master expect a slave to learn anything correctly if the Master doesn’t do those things himself?

The example I’ll use is smoking. A discussion in this same group showed me that, in the people who answered, the majority of the Masters or Dominants who wouldn’t allow their slaves to smoke smoked themselves. I’m not going to turn this into a debate of smoking is okay or not okay but rather I want to go with the following statement.

Doing something yourself that you’re against another doing is very hypocritical.

Moving on with my thoughts… I don’t think I’d be able to respect a Master as a person if one were to come to me and say something along the lines of “you can’t do this but I can because I said so” and if I can’t respect someone as a person  wouldn’t be able to respect that person as a Master either.

In a lot of sense I find D/s relationships to have a lot of ‘parent/child’ type of learning to them. Rules… punishment… being shaped into what the other thinks you should be… learning the things he wants you to learn… that sort of thing. Well anyways, just my thoughts on it…

I definitely think a Master should lead by example. It isn’t always possible and can be very hard… but I think that would make for a better relationship. :)