Wanting More

Wanting more is something I struggle with a lot. I wonder if it is wrong. Am I allowed to ask for more?

I have a high amount of pride. I suppose that comes from being a natural dominatrix. That is where all of my strengths and experiences lie. I have this idea in my head of what a Master is supposed to be and that immediately sets me up for failure. Just because I as a dominant will behave a certain way by no rule means that my Master should as well but none the less I expect it.

And I can admit right up front that I am much harsher, crueler and stricter than he is.

My pleasure derives from inflicting pain and having complete servitude from the one who desires to submit to me. I say do it, he does. I even hint at wanting it… he gets it. I’m a hard Mistress and in my head that is just how it is supposed to be.

Just like I want to control everything… I want everything to be controlled. What I mean by that is when I first entered into this M/s relationship I wanted my Master to control as much as I had in past relationships. I wanted him to take everything from me and leave me completely at his mercy… break me in a sense.

This still hasn’t happened and I struggle with that.

I am the kind of person who wants things done yesterday. I come up with an idea and I have to do it right then and there be it dye my hair, cut my hair, go shopping, buy this, fix that or start this project. I’m very spontaneous like that and when it comes to a big project I rarely finish simply because the urge to do such things leaves just as suddenly as it comes.

I want to ask my Master to take more from me. I want to beg him to break me… and remold me into something I could only ever dream of being. But I don’t because of my pride. The pride that won’t let me just submit even though I want to do every little thing for him. And when he doesn’t just do it I try to let it go because I figure if he wanted that it would already be happening… right?

That’s the question I don’t really have an answer too. I’m sure things will become easier and more clear to the both of us as the amount of time we’ve invested in our relationship grows longer in length. I suppose only time will tell. :)