Struggling With Slavery

I’ve always been dominant for as long as I can remember. I’m not afraid of anyone, including my 6ft2 father. In fact, growing up… I was the only one who would stand up to him. That mostly started after his divorce. It didn’t take long for me to step into ‘mother role’ and when he’d had a hard day and was a little snappy I was right there at the ripe ol’ age of 13 telling him that he needed to knock it off. I remember times when the both of us were in bad moods and would just go at it… but no matter what we always had the closest relationship. I think that might have been because both of are of a dominant nature and anyone who has a dominant nature needs someone to make them back down eventually.

No matter what happened in my life I would try to find somewhere on my small, underage shoulders and deal with it. When I was put in the system I took care of my little sister. When I was adopted and the woman who became my adopted mother became abusive to me and my sister (once she had her own children) I stepped in there and stood up to her in order to not only protect myself but to make sure most of the heat was directed at me.

No matter what she, or anyone else for that matter, threw at me I took it and I woke up with a smile the next day. And because of all that, I don’t know how to back down now. Even when I’m wrong and I know I’m wrong I have to cool down and let go of my anger before I can apologize.

Everyone has always told me that because of my raising (an abusive mother) I learned from her. I learned her techniques and I used them and after she left my grandmother and father worked hard with me to help me get past them and not use them against everyone. Especially the control freak habit that I have. There was one trait I learned that no matter what I do I can’t seem to get past.

I acknowledge that I have it but I also know that I don’t want to lose it. It is how I protect myself and even though it hurts everyone around me I can’t find it in my heart to get rid of it even though my heart does want me to. Perhaps it is a mind over heart thing and in this case my heart just isn’t strong enough to win.

I can say the meanest things to people. I don’t even have to know very much about them to do it and I don’t tell lies. I take the truth and I manipulate it and I hurt people with it. Usually I can tell when I’m doing it but I can’t usually stop myself. I hate not having control over it but I haven’t found the strength to let go of the one tool that always protected me when I was being hurt the most from the time I was 7 to 13.

Now that I am in an M/s relationship this hinders me so much. No matter what emotion I’m feeling I get interpreted as mad. I want to blame my Master and say that he just doesn’t have the ability to read me but I can’t help but wonder if I truly do come off as angry regardless of what I’m feeling. Perhaps that is just another form of protection I have. Anytime my adopted mother would say hurtful things to me or do anything for that matter I couldn’t show her that it hurt. I had to make it seem as if I didn’t care because if I didn’t then that meant she won and I couldn’t let her win and… though I have so many repercussions because of it I can also stand her and say that I won. Not her. And even though I do have so many lasting effects because of her, I am trying to fix them so I am not like her and thus far, while I still have some traits that are because of her I am NOT like her. I care about my daughter. I want to adopt and that child will be as much mine as my daughter is. I want to cook and clean for my husband. I want to go places. I want to do activities with my family.

The point I’m trying to get at (as I seem to have strayed from the original topic) is that every single event that has taken place in my life has prevented me from having the ability to just open up and allow myself to submit and trust completely and it causes constant fights. And I want that to stop.

I want to have a Master/slave relationship. I want to be owned. I want to be controlled. And I want to make my Master happy while I do it but all I seem to do is cause problems that neither of us truly know how to fix.

I’m constantly trying the situation and testing rules just to see if he will back down or stand his ground because if he doesn’t constantly stand his ground I feel as if I ‘won’ even though I didn’t. I feel as if I’m still in control even though I’m not.

I want to stop feeling as if I’m in control. It isn’t his fault, he over powers me and shows me how easily he can make me do whatever it is he wants all the time… and I’m glad that he does because I need that physical reminder! But it doesn’t always help my emotional needs.

I guess I can end this saying that while I do have a problem I have at least taken the first step to fixing that problem… acknowledging it. :)