Control

A discussion got brought up today that got me to thinking. Obviously the relationship I have with Master is based off of control. I don’t want to control anything. I’ve always been in control and after so long you just get tired of it.

The first question that was asked was how giving up control has made my life easier and less stressful. My answer to that question probably isn’t the obvious one… but it doesn’t. If anything it causes me more stress simply because I have always been in control. Giving that up is hard.

In fact, giving up control has been the hardest part for me in the (almost year) that my Master and I became Master and slave. We had always done kinky things and we had even dabbled in the Mistress and slave but he hated it and I couldn’t stand the thought of keeping someone locked into something that truly made them miserable… especially since that sort of dynamic made me miserable as well.

When I met Master he had no idea about BDSM. He had just left that side of sex alone and was content with just pounding away and keeping things straight vanilla. I wasn’t okay with that and made it clear upon the second day of actually talking. I informed him that I was the ‘kinkiest virgin’ he would ever meet and I intended to stay that way. Thus making it clear kink was a requirement in play and I wasn’t going to fuck him until I felt he was the one.

And he was willing to try.

That caused us a lot of problems at first. He felt it was wrong and was afraid to like what he liked and I would get upset anytime I thought he wasn’t enjoying himself also.

But, after a little over a year of getting things figured out and trying different tactics we found that what would make us happiest was him controlling me… not the other way around.

We discovered that during my pregnancy and that made things so difficult. I was hormonal and he was afraid of being too rough and hurting the baby. And honestly, when things wouldn’t go my way I would pull that card. It took several months before he realized (and I was able to admit) that that is what was going on. And when he did realize that he pushed a little harder and I caved in. And things worked for us until I was no longer pregnant and got it in my head that things would go back to the way they were before because I could beat him.

I no longer wanted to give him control I wanted him to take it. Everything was changing… we were moving and had just had a baby… and I was 600 miles away from everything I’d ever known and I challenged him and it wasn’t until recently that he got me to back down.

It isn’t easy getting on the floor when he tells me to… or to take off my clothes because I displeased him and he doesn’t feel I deserve them.

So no, giving up control has not been stress relieving or easy for me at all. I have fought it all the way which just confuses me more because I want him to be in control.

Giving up that control is important though… to the both of us. I feel as the woman it is my job to do as my husband says. And as my Master he feels that I should as well. When I do give up control things go fine… and when I try to take it back things end disastrously. I make threats. I throw tantrums. I hit. I play guilt trips. I manipulate and I connive. And him staying in control through all of that is what I need and when I hit a weak point and, as a human being, he isn’t able to or he falters for just one second, I leap on him as I’m a huntress and he is my weakened pray. And then it starts all over.

Little by little we are getting better. I’m able to give up control for longer the more persistent he is with me. The more regular things become the better slave I become.

This sort of dynamic is just who I am… who we are. We both want it and need it to function and be happy. I’ve always known that. I’ve always felt that when I married I wanted the man in control… see to me, husband and wife is the same as Master and slave. The husband being the Master and the wife being the slave. For Master though, he recently realized this through me. He had always wanted to be the boss, the Man… and in a sense the Master but he was raised under a control freak mother and forced to submit to women all the time.

We are both discovering new parts of ourselves and loving it! :)