Being a Slave in Public

Over my short little life I’ve seen many different lifestyles happening right in front of me and looking back a lot of those dynamics were based off of a BDSM relationship. When I was really little I would write it off to that person just being weird but as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized I am just as ‘weird’ as they are I’m just not comfortable enough with myself to show it as openly.

And I wish that I were.

Everyone has always told me that I am very dominant, opinionated, out-spoken (and yes they mean the same thing but apparently just using one doesn’t describe me adequately enough lol) and not shy at all. I listened to what they said and I left it at that. But I’m none of those when you get down to it.

I am dominant. But only because I have had to be to survive. I don’t like to give up control because I’ve always had others take advantage of me. You know the old saying ‘give an inch, take a mile’… well that is what people would always do to me. And I hated it. And when I say people I’m referring to just one. My dad’s ex-wife. From the day she got me (I was adopted) she tried to control me. And I didn’t like it.

See, I usually operate off of logic and when someone tells me to do something for no logical reason I don’t want to do it. Or if I get told for no logical reason I don’t want to listen. If one can present me with a reason that is logical I will usually back down and do as told… but it all operates around logic. If you want me to do something then have a reason. I don’t figure that is asking too much is it?

I am opinionated. But only for the same reason that I am dominant. Because of that woman. I don’t like being told to shut-up even when I should indeed shut-up. (My mouth gets me in more trouble than it is worth lol). When I have an opinion about a topic I like to get it off of my chest and to have others know what that opinion is. I suppose this could be because I never was allowed to do that growing up.

I’ve learned over the years that I’m rarely wrong when it comes to other people or issues (just my own, go figure). In addition to that I hate being lied to. I believe the adage do unto others as you would have them do unto you.. and I am one of those people who would prefer the truth even if it hurts. In turn I always tell the truth. Even when it will hurt the other. It isn’t that I wanted to hurt them but if I lie they will only find out later that I lied and then be twice as hurt because there are now two things to hurt over instead of just one.

I am out-spoken. When I believe something I believe it 100%... why else believe it? Why do something with only half your heart when if you can’t do it with your full heart you shouldn’t be doing it? So when I do believe in something I believe in it with a passion… and when you have a passion why hide it? Passions should be shared.

Add all of this together and I guess you could same I am the exact opposite of the ‘perfect slave’. And yet I don’t think I’m that bad of a slave at all.

Need… Desire…Strive.

I practice all of those not as often as I should but as often as my heart allows me to (stupid pride).

I need a man who wants to love and take care of me… and possess me.

I desire an unconditional love from someone who loves my perfections but mostly loves my imperfections because that is all I am.

I strive to please because I love making others happy.

It is the last one that I fight the most. See, the part of me that wants to be a slave comes from my heart but most of me is ruled by my mind… my logic. And while my logic in infallible… sometimes my heart fights until it wins because then all of me wins and not just part of me. And when my logic wins… all of me loses except that small part that can sit there and say ‘I won’ while the rest of me says ‘but you didn’t want to win’.

And the crappy part is I can write this… I can acknowledge it… but I can’t seem to overcome it. I can’t let go of my pride. And I need to. I want to. But for some reason I can’t. And until I find that reason I won’t be able to.

The end. ;)