The Journey of Discovery

The journey of discovery is one everyone takes and possibly the hardest journey ever. When I refer to discovery I am referring to discovering one’s self… who they are and who they want to become. Taking this journey is a must when it comes to the lifestyle especially when it comes to Master/slave relationships. Before you can truly submit to someone you have to know who you are and what you want to become as well as why you want to be a slave and why as a slave you want to be owned and why you want to be owned by ‘that’ person.

But before a slave can do that a Master must do that and decide who he is, what he stands for and why he stands for it. If he can’t figure out who he is then he can’t gain control of who he is and what he does and until he gains that control he can’t control another.

And all of that makes the M/s journey so difficult. When one person is ready the other may not be rendering them both ‘not ready’ which can only leave one unsatisfied.

When I first began speaking to others that were in Master/slave relationships I learned more than I had known which is saying something because I was fairly certain I knew everything I needed to but since learning from others I’ve only discovered that I know hardly anything and have a long road ahead of me if I want to get to the point in my life and personality to where I can truly submit to my husband.

He wants to be my Master and I want to be his slave but trying to do this has only shown me that it takes more than want. I’ve written many journals. One spoke of trust and how essential it is in this relationship. Another spoke of hiding things and how it can only build walls in the way of the path your taking and that climbing over those walls only makes the road longer in the long run.

Neither of us really knows who we are or how to get what we want. The only thing we both do know is what we want. I want to submit to him. I want to be his slave… his property… his wife. But I don’t know how to. He wants me to be all of those things but he isn’t sure how to teach me or how to get me past all the obstacles life has placed in my way.

I try to trust but I don’t know how to in all the ways I need to. I can’t get past the fear that history has given me. And when I don’t trust him with everything he can’t help me but I’m so worried that he won’t know how to anyways.

I’m afraid of seeming vulnerable so I try to seem strong and in control and that only builds yet another wall. I want to be allowed to be weak and seem weak. I want to feel as if I can break down and cry whenever I need to. I want to know that it is okay to just appear human and not have to hide everything so others don’t know. But I don’t know if he knows how to help me with that or even knows if that is the case. And I don’t really know how to tell him. Even if he reads this and confronts me I won’t know how to respond. But I want to know how to.

I’ve got so many issues. I’ve got BPD (borderline personality disorder), separation anxiety (extremely bad if you’re past the age of two) and issues with accepting change. The BPD causes me to get angry of the silliest of things with no understanding as to why which only makes me angrier. The separation anxiety makes me clingy. I’ve actually driven with Master to work just so I didn’t have to be by myself without him all day. I sat in the car and was very thankful for my Droid!

Those aren’t even the worst of my issues. I’ve been molested that I know of for sure and I have reason to believe that I was fully raped as well. I’ve got a tear in the area between my ass and vagina… that area that rips sometimes when you’re having a baby. It’s been there for as long as I can remember. And the only explanation I can come up with is something to big went in to a hole that it just couldn’t fit in… and when you’re only 2 (apx. the age I was molested at) well, that hole is pretty much to small for anything to fit in and that makes it so hard having my daughter always afraid someone is going to think I’m doing something wrong when I change her. Not knowing if someone is thinking that I’m weird for taking baths with her rather than bathing her in the sink.

I do it because she is my daughter and I have to take care of her but it makes me cry realizing my issues are now affecting me as a parent.

And all of this just makes an M/s relationship so hard.

Trying to discover who you are and who you want to be and how you’re going to reach that. And that is where I am at… trying to figure out how I’m going to reach all that I want.