Women Issues

I have a lot of issues due to my past and one of my biggest issues is with women. I don’t trust them. I don’t relate to them. I have a hard time letting them in. And every time I try to give a new woman a chance something happens that shows me the same lesson I’ve already learned.

A woman got tricked by the devil because the devil was the only creature cunning enough to trick her.

The worst part is that it hurts me like crazy. None of them seem to truly like me and I don’t even know what I do wrong. I try with everything I have to make people happy and to do the right thing. I’m only one person and I make mistakes but I am really trying my best. And it still isn’t good enough. It never has been and I just don’t know why.

So many mothers of other girls, friend of mine, have told me how they would be proud to have me as a daughter and that I am a good person and a good girl… except for the women who actually could call me their daughter.

Even dad’s new wife doesn’t really like me and I’ve done nothing to her. I haven’t tried to step in and or step on her domain. I completely stepped back when he got married but apparently that wasn’t good enough. There have been so many occasions with her that disagreements have happened. It got so bad that she wouldn’t go anywhere with me and dad because I made her feel like a third wheel. I NEVER said anything to her to make her feel uncomfortable going with us. I know I didn’t because after all this time… I know how to chase a woman off and I know when I’m doing it and I haven’t at all with her. I’ve tried so, so hard and still she doesn’t like me.

About a month before I had the baby she made it clear to me I wasn’t welcome here in her eyes. The words “You are moving once you have the baby right?” still ring in my ears. Just another ‘ouch you don’t want me either’ moment in my life and I am honestly so tired of those. I’m tired of giving women chances just to have them show me why I shouldn’t. I’m tired of being hurt by them. Every single one of them.

Almost my entire pregnancy she made it clear how she was afraid that I wouldn’t be a good mom and that I wouldn’t take care of the things I needed but ever since my daughter has been born she hasn’t washed one piece of mine or the baby’s clothing. I keep my own room clean. I make sure my trash gets thrown away and that I get my dishes in the kitchen if I take any to my room. I haven’t made her clean up after me or Emeny and still she does these snide little things that would piss any person off and it puts me in a position of… ouch… I thought you liked me.

Tonight it was over the baby. Emeny’s been so clingy lately and she won’t let me put her down and that’s all fine and dandy right now while I can hold her every second of the day but when Master and I move and are living together I won’t be able to hold her every single second. She will have to be content in her swing or a bouncer or whatever items we have for her at that time. So, finally after a few days of her being clingy, I set myself up to let her cry and just get it out of her system. I try to give her a binky and get her to stop crying and as I expected she wouldn’t. So I go to the kitchen to eat. I have her in her swing with her little mobile going and music playing so she has something to look at. She has a blanket on her and it wasn’t cold in the living room anyhow. Emeny continues to scream as I had figured she would and Susan rushes down there and starts playing with her and doing exactly what I had decided NOT to do so that she would get out of her little spoiled stage.

After a while I look at my dad and explain to him that Susan isn’t doing us any favors so he tells her to stop and gets ignored. So, I raise my voice a little, not a lot but I don’t see how I wasn’t heard (that is her story), and tell her to leave the baby alone because Emeny needs to learn she can’t be held 24/7. She ignores me as well. Finally dad raises his voice a lot and gets her attention. Upset or angry or whatever it is that she was, she puts her jacket on and goes outside. I’d like to point out here that I was in the kitchen because dinner was ready and we were all supposed to be sitting down to eat. So dad and I sit there alone eating dinner because she was pissed because I was trying to do something with my baby.

Yes I am a new mom. No I do not know everything. I do have common sense though and that tells me that when I’m alone in CO… the baby is going to be in situations where she can’t be held such as when I’m cooking or cleaning or something to that effect.

And so now, once again, we aren’t speaking and she is pissed off at me when in all reality I should be the one angry because she was ignoring MY wishes with MY child. But I’m not pissed… I’m hurt. She has no reason to dislike me and yet she does.

I’m sick of women doing this to me. It isn’t fair. :( At least soon I’ll be 500 miles away from this drama and 500 miles closer to my Master.